Saturday, September 25, 2010

Family (Non sexual musings)

I just got back from a visit with my family before school starts. I come from an EXTREMELY close family. And not just parents, brothers and sisters. I'm close with my cousins, aunts, uncles, even my 2nd cousins.

I grew up with my first cousins. They were always over at our house or we were always over at their house. Our families went on vacation together every summer. We spent every Christmas and most Thanksgivings together. My cousins were/are practically my brothers and sisters. I'm as close to them as I am with my own brothers and sisters.

And by close, I mean CLOSE. I talk to them about everything. Sex, relationships, feelings, everything. In fact, here's a sample of a conversation I had with 2 of my female cousins out at dinner a couple nights ago:

Cousin 1 (She's a virgin lol): "So, does all cum taste the same?"

Cousin 2: "No, no, no. Some taste similar but some taste way different."

That is normal, everyday conversation for us. I bring this up because, as close as I am to my cousins and family, I'm not out to them. At all. I'm not even close to telling them. And it sucks because there's a big part of my life that they don't know about.

For me, it's so hard to think about telling them because I don't want things to change. I like my "status" with every one in my family. I like my relationships with them. And I'm afraid if I come out, everything changes. I'm no longer Me, I'm "gay" Me.

And being gay (oh, btw, I've decided I'm gay. I like chicks but not NEARLY as much as guys. LOL) doesn't define me. I'm not Gay CC, I'm just CC.

In one of my classes, we were supposed to put the top 5 categories you put yourself in when you think about yourself (i.e. male, female, Christian, Atheist, America, etc.). Gay/bi/homosexual wasn't in my top 5. It barely made my top 10. Not that I'm ashamed of it, I just don't think it shapes who I am as much as some other things.

But at the same time, being gay IS apart of me and who I am. How close can I be to my family if they don't even know the "real" me?

Coming out at school has helped. My friends have been amazingly supportive. The best part though is that they treat me the same as they did before I came out. There wasn't even a pause. It was like "Hey, I'm gay." "That's cool. You wanna get a pizza?"

My family is different though. While we are all very liberal (90% of us have been to multiple protests lol), there's still an attitude of "No one in OUR family is gay".

While I'm not particularly attracted to the stereotypical, loud, fem queen, part of me wishes I WAS one. My family has no clue I'm gay. NO CLUE. Part of me wishes I had rainbows shooting out of my ears so they wouldn't be so shocked to find out :)

Anyways, sorry about the long, mumbling, non sexual post. I just needed to get it off my chest! School starts next week, which means the hot freshmen guys that have been waiting to try cock are here! I love college :)

9 comments:

  1. You may be very close to your family, and you may THINK that none of them suspect that you're Gay, but ... My guess is that several of those cousins have talked about you when you weren't there. Not maliciously, but just wondering when you'll get around to telling them about yourself. And, um, your mom knows.

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  2. Haha, you think? If they do, they really need to tell me so I can stop putting on a show! It would make my life so much easier if they would just tell me they know and be done with it :)

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  3. I think that we all go the route "I don't want them to think of me differently". Thing is they will to some extent, whether it is now or in ten years. What you might not realize, in my opinion, it that as an adult the longer you maintain the wall of 'lies', the thicker it gets and the more detached for that 'closeness' you will be. As much as you must have found your coming out at school liberating, the more so it will be when you have stopped postponing clearing the air at your home base and stand on your own two feet as a complete, honest man. It will bring you added inner peace. And as a great bonus, you will be able to tell them all about Jockguy.

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  4. If they're liberal and you're close, and they're not shy about talking about sex...what are you waiting for? Anonymous is right; you're just increasing the distance between you and them.

    If you're still worried, be cautious. Bring your "friend" JockBoy home with you on a weekend or break.

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  5. I say "go for it." I'm not anywhere near as close to my family as you are, but they are all really fun, especially my cousins. I think they all really enjoy, and appreciate, having the extra dimension in the family that I bring. Like you, I come from a fairly liberal family, and the reaction was overwhelmingly great. I can poke fun at myself, and with some straight stereotypes. It's all good. Your family is very cool. It won't change a thing, except for the better.

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  6. Your post really struck home with me. The only difference is my family is ultra conservative, ultra religious Mormon. They really don't have the slightest clue who I am. They never have and never will.

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  7. Jack, I support your decision. Mormons are scary and dangerous. Never tell them the truth about anything. "Why, yes, I HAVE read the Book of Mormon. Sure, you can come in and talk to me about it." (much later) "No, of course I won't cum in your ass."

    CC, interesting as this is, we're ready for some sexual content!

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  8. CC- Sigh. Coming out is NEVER an easy process. And NONE of our experiences are carbon copies. We each deal with and battle against culture, religion, fear, being the "first gay" in our families, we battle not knowing, rejection, discrimination, stigma, we also battle ourselves. Thank you for sharing this very insightful, very introspective piece.

    Do your family members "know"? We're sure a few of them do. That's always the case. At the end of the day, in time, you'll learn how to just "be you". Yes, family defines us, but we must also learn to define ourselves.

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